A day near the end of the year..

So.. Today is a Tuesday..Went to school yesterday and today to work at kopearasi. I went to my workplace gathering at KFC. Bought wedges for mummy and daddy. :) Sunday brought hubby to church and after that went to the Spring to watch Gulliver's Travel with him and Sharon and Ronald.. :)there goes what happened around this weekend..

Tomorrow will be going back to work ler.. Last few days before I say goodbye to my dearest Trinity Bookroom and headed to a new year 2011 and back to school.. Haven't completed a lot of homework.. :S Don't feel like going back to school at all.. I don't want to face my STPM.. I feel like escaping.. I wanna go somewhere else to live.. I don't want to face exams anymore ler.. :( Can I?

I really don't know why am I moody lately.. especially these few days.. AND especially today.. :(I had no idea at all.. I mad at my hubby that he spent more time to play game than to pei me.. I mad at him for not accepting me in the facebook request about our realtionship status.. :( All because that I'm small gas right? *Big Sigh* I wish he could spend more time with me to chat.. I dunno why.. I just felt unsafe without him at my side.. This is how much I have rely him all these while.. This is so torturing..

I really don't know how to go on for next year.. Every year end gives me a huge emotional turmoil.. I wish I had finished school now.. And get to chase my dreams.. I cried every night to sleep while talking on the phone with hubby.. I guess it's really anoying to hear people cry every night.. I told him all the time that I want to be alone but actually I wish he could just hug me tight in his arms and tell me everything's gonna be all right and everything's gonna turn out like what we want.. I need that so much.. I'm so timid and weak.. Everyone turns out to be so brave to welcome anything that's coming in their life but not me.. I'm so scared to accept and to lose at the same time.. I don't like changes.. That's me.. *sigh sigh sigh*

I babble a lot.. But this is the only place I can spilled out everything to the world.. My little cosy bloggie world.. :) I switched off my phone till tonight.. Cause don't feel like hearing from my hubby.. Sigh.. What am I supposed to do now? I feel so lonely.. Sigh.. I don't want my 2010 end up just like that eh.. T.T sob sob sob..

Bitterguard emotions

You know why it's called bitterguard emotions for my post today.. Cause I had a bad feeling and I really feel bitter.. Sadly to say that..

You know, it's been torturing me for a whole year.. This thought.. This insane unbelievable outrageous crazy abnormal whatsoever adjective that can describe this awfulness of thought.. It's been stucking in my head for almost 365 days liao..
T.T I feel like crying.. seriously.. I really wanna cry.. I think I'm crazy.. T.T

I open a new facebook account ler.. I had a new email address.. I have a dream that I wish to have my own shop when I grow up.. I want to open a gift shop and sell a lot of stuffs.. I wanna reach the stars which I have always wanted to reach..

I wish hubby is here.. I wish hubby is here at my side.. Cause I need his hug hug so that I will feel safe.. I miss him badly.. :( I wanna be with my hubby forever.. Is that permissible?? Can we get married earlier?? I can't live without him.. :( I felt insecure when I"m alone.. I felt scared.. :( when will this feeling go away?? :( this is so awful and so so.. BITTER.. :(

Holiday life..

Hi hi.. I'm back again, bloggie.. hehe.. Here's come my story-telling time about my holiday life..

Basically it's all about busy working.. hehe.. Latest news about me would be learning beading with my colleagues.. We had this beading class at One Jaya there.. And each lesson costs RM30.. I spent RM50 to buy the tools.. I borrow RM100 from my mummy dearest to pay for all this.. Lols.. I dunno how I spend my RM200 which I had just withdrawn not long ago.. Scary eh.. lols.. I'm such a spendthrift..

Hmm.. my sweet lovely hubby had gone to KL for family trip.. Miss him so badly.. My working place is currently having sale now.. And David has resigned to study pastorial in Sibu.. :) Caught a headache today.. Sob sob..

Oh ya.. Hubby promised that he is going to church with me for Christmas service on 26th December~!!! hehe.. hopefully God cares enough to answer my prayer.. I wanna be a soul winner for God.. and bring hubby to Christ.. ^^ hehe.. Lord Lord, may thy will be done.. ^^

Hmm.. Next year gonna resign my ISCF and Badminton club.. probably Karen and Kevin are going to kill me.. Sigh.. But I was left with no choice.. I need time to catch up my homework and I am a slow learner.. :( Sadly to say that I haven't touch much of my homework during the holiday.. :( Letters will be given to teacher once school reopen.. Sigh sigh.. I'm running out of time!!!!

Lord.. I'm here!! Woohoo~!! By the way, I deactivate my facebook account dy.. Plan to get myself a new email address.. ^^

A day in December

Today was blessed because I got an off day.. Which means I can stay at home relaxed a bit and can do my homework. I haven't start doing it yet for today though. So Long no blogging. Dunno why suddenly feel sleepy in front of computer here.

I woke up quite early this morning.. Ate breakfast, read newspapers and then take a shower. Then headed downstairs to use computer. Recently nothing much happened though. Yesterday was a public holiday. A lot of customers. Last friday meet up with old friends and spend a lot of fun time together. Had a lot of happy moments.

Can't wait for this coming Sunday though. Can meet up with my hubby ler. I bought some new year clothes last Saturday and it cost me RM70. Pretty expensive. But the cost for all things are raised up nowadays. So what to do??

Earning for a living. Not sure whether paying for my own clothing is the right decision is the right one or not.. But.. note to self: no regrets, sweetie.

All right. Enough for my craps and rubbish spilled for today. Till then.

I'm Miss Lonely..

Lonely~ I'm Miss Lonely~ I am nobody~ I"m on my own~ Lols.. really lonely now.. :(

Today is the last day of my Lower Six 2010. We had spring cleaning today and went back at 9.. I miss him terribly.. Can i cry??

He's busy with nhis assignment lately so we hardly got time to chat.. :( sob sob.. today went shopping with sharon and karen at One Jaya. Almost rain but luckily in the end no rain. So we get to swim in the afternoon.. :) However, it wasn't a happy day for me though.. Not as good as I thought.. I got mixed feelings now and feel like going to a corner and cry.. I haven't got a teddy bear yet.. :(

I'm lonely today and I feel like a bulb among my friends.. I'm the only odd one out without my hubby beside me.. :( Miss him badly.. I wonder tonight what time can we chat.. Though tomorrow is a holiday, I"m not looking forward to it at all..

Sad sad amy.. What should I do to make myself happy o? Chocolate? I guess only my hubby can meke me smile.. :( I'm so darn lonely..

Missing pieces..

Life is made up of puzzles.. Do you agree that? My dear sis pester me to update my blog few moments ago.. So that's why I'm here again to update about my life.. haha..

I miss my blog.. But lately I guess I've cultivating the habits of telling my life stories to my hubby.. So din really have the heart to put it up again in my blog.. haha.. hmm.. Life goes on as well.. Like usual..

Today is Monday.. We had the Excellence Award Ceremony in school.. Helped at the backstage with the prize giving.. Then we went out to have meal at Hartz Chicken... Was super duper full and still forced to eat dinner.. I think I can puasa tomorrow the whole day ler.. haha.. Luckily tomorrow I'm going swimming with my sisters.. Burn all the calories and fat accumulated in my body.. haha..

I got tons of holiday homework, projects and assignments to finish off.. haha.. But.. I'm working during the holiday.. earning money is not easy at all.. It makes me appreciate more on what I bought.. that's a good thing though.. Then I wun simply waste stuff.. hahaha.. Hmm.. Bought one black semi-dress which cost me RM75.. There's one eggy out there who claims that she has a nice taste and choose such a pretty dress for me.. hahaha.. So.. I'm going to match it with a colourful long necklace, white heels and red leggings.. I think I'll look hot.. haha..

Hmm.. This year gonna aim for dresses, jeans and coat.. haha.. It's time to change my style liao.. hehe.. Plan to cut my hair short.. Then perm my hair after STPM.. haha.. Dunno why today so high.. Keep laughing and singing.. lols..

Today I made a very cute hair scrunchy.. I'm so proud of myself that I'm so talented... *yeah right* haha.. I'm still considering should I sell it off or not.. Make some money also can.. hehe.. I'm so indulged with craftswork lately.. haha.. Hopefull I won't get too addicted till neglect my holiday work.. haha..

Something unhappy happened today also..We're so so innocent today.. Our zone "special" that nobody else sweep the zone except our class.. Our block is locked.. How does he expect us to go to our class and get broom to sweep? So.. Innocently.. We got demerits again.. lols..

Right now.. I miss him badly.. Almost a month not seeing him ler.. T.T can't wait for wednesday.. *muacks* lately he's my big big baby.. haha.. so cute and so adorable.. I wish I got time o hug him tight tight de.. haha.. MY darling teddy bear.. >.< sigh.. I miss him I miss him I miss him.. T.T

Can't wait for Christmas though.. teehee~

*yawning*

Haha.. Today was another usual day for Princess Amy.. haha.. (please let me feel a bit vain about myself for once in a while.. >.<) haha.. muacks..

Well, it's so good to be back in God's arms!!! woohoo~~~!!! haha.. Have a close relationship with God lately.. Raya break is fun for me and at the same time tiring but.. Meaningful!! hehe.. School reopen soon.. So reluctant to go back to shcool.. >.< My Lower Six left one and a half month liao.. Fast eh?? haha.. SO excited..

Hmm.. I've been working part time during this raya break.. earning some pocket money to make myself a new pair of glasses.. hehe.. with my dear cousin.. ^^ My phone spoilt liao.. My heart itchy itchy wanna change new one but hubby want change together with me so have to wait for him.. hahaha.. >.< oh gosh.. having period lately.. it's exhausting though.. but with God, I shall rejoice and not complain!!! hehe..

See this Princess so hyper de.. haha.. well.. *yawning* I wanna enjoy some more gok before my next year arrive.. My deadly year which decides my future.. teehee~~

Whatever turmoil..

Sigh.. Holiday is here.. But still.. Everyday seems dragging and I don't have the mood to enjoy.. Can't seem to have the holiday mood I used to long for when I was young.. :) I Basically spent my holiday earning money by doing part-time job.. :) I find myself hard to laugh.. but can smile only.. Well, only me can define that smile is a fake one.. Just.. you know.. Don't want anyone else to worry.. :) Except God.. He knows what my heart is thinking.. And only Him, can know what's wrong with me.. :)

Raya is coming.. :) This afternoon I'm going to work again.. Almost these days I didn't really study.. Don't know how to face my exam this year end though.. This holiday seems so packed.. Sigh.. Busy with St. John and my part-time job.. And also my studies of course.. :)

Lately I've been working till very late.. Sleep till 7 or 8 something the next day.. Sometimes I get to catch up with hubby before he went to college.. Other time, I'll blog or eat or study or cook.. :) Mum need to attend her seminar so I'm the one taking over her responsibilities at home.. :)

Life as usual, as I have always said to anyone who asked me.. :) I need to figure out what's wrong with me and what's that little thing bugging my soul and my heart that makes me have serious emotional turmoil.. Lols..

Lately have been going to a camp with my two besties.. And had a fun St. John Night with the rest of the committees.. :) those still manage to put a sincere smile on my face.. But.. now i need to figure out, again, how to put that sincere smile back on my face again.. :)

The Silent Bell

Today is a Sunday.. However.. It was not a happy day as it turns out.. I'm feeling stressed out, alone, sad and all the negative feelings I had now.. Aiks.. Tears almost dropping now..

I went to church this morning with Andrea.. But my heart wasn't there in God's temple. I was, however, in my heart praying that the service would end earlier. What is this lousy attitude I have today? Aren't I suppose to rejoice and be happy while having fellowship on Sunday with others? What's wrong with my heart?

Looking at the picture of me and him and receive a sudden msg from him makes me really cry.. I was really frustrated whenever he replied late, thinking that he might no heart to chat anymore.. And whenever he's doing something else he doesn't like to let me know.. Just because he scared I'd be upset. *sigh* Everything seems wrong today and I felt so lost now.. I need God. Urgent. I really stray away from God a lot ler..

Everything seems so silent whenever I'm alone.. Till it really creeps into the bone that made me shivered. It's like a bell not functioning in the virtual reality of mine. Creepy. I did asked myself all the time. That what is the thing that made me change so much when facing all the things around me.. It's like I'm losing passion for life, God, friends, love, family and everything I do that once I used to really love enjoying to do so.. *sigh* What is that thing that dragged me to feel like this? How come I seem that I don't have any choices to be happy other than to be sad? Why? Why is it so hard to let me get up again after being beaten down? Why?

My Recent Life..

My first anniversary with my lovely hubby had just passed.. ^^ really really happy.. We went to Kuching Fest to celebrate it.. And he was being a very top gentleman by chia-ing me to eat and play that Sunday night.. *muackss* and he was being a bit silly to play to game and insisted to get a soft toy for me.. hehe.. >.< but I end up got a yellow Hamtaro.. Gosh.. Like it so much.. so cute and it's a gift from hubby.. T.T

We spend most of the time together in the garden on that Sunday night though.. We plan to watch fireworks but it didn't turn up until 10.. But both of us went home at 9.. a bit sad sad.. He was having flu yesterday.. Xin teng xin teng.. T.T

Hmm.. August is here.. Means lotsa things will be going on too.. Last Saturday we're asked to wear traditional clothes to school.. So wore my baju kurung.. Lols.. Cause me a lot of incovenience though.. And this coming Saturday is our school jogathon.. At night will be our choir performance for OTA dinner.. Hmm.. What else.. Lotsa homework recently.. Rush till wanna pengsan ler.. haha.. This coming thursday is Economy test and Friday is Maths test.. Thursday morning need to ponteng class for the morning to practise choir.. sob sob..

I'm quite broke now with my RM20 pocket money left now.. haha.. But trust God.. God will provide.. ^^ I'm the creative ministry team in ISCF now.. so happy.. Cause din hold huge post anymore.. hehe.. senang a bit.. >.<

Tonight can't wait for hubby ler.. need to rest earlier cause tomorrow got driving lesson.. Nights, bloggie.. ^^

Feeling-less

Today is such a beautiful Saturday morning.. July has almost come to an end ler.. Time flies, that's for sure.. Right now.. I'm sitting in front of my dear bloggie missing someone.. Miss him badly..

I got St. John today.. Was elected as Publicity.. I have Alex and Jing Yee to be my helpers.. Our new committee was in a mess because we're quite lost and dunno what to do.. We have First Aid duty on Jogathon day.. Latest project is appreciation dinner for the Upper Six members.. on 28th August.. Sigh.. Feels so emotionless right now..

I didn't went for Badminton Club noticeboard decoration yesterday.. Din see Sharika and Brian around.. Din know where are they and I'm also in a rush to go home with Yu Huan.. Lols.. Tiring.. Afternoon got driving lesson..

Next week is my first anniversary with hubby ler.. Very happy.. and also looking forward to celebrate it together.. =) I realised no matter how stubborn, naughty he is, I love him like mad.. Really a lady in love huh? haha..

Life's Here..

Today was just another of my usual weekend.. A Saturday.. Hehe.. Was really happy yesterday cause I managed to change to art side from science side.. I was so nutty and excited all the way when I know that I got transfered.. But.. I started to miss my class mates liao.. Miss Karen, Yu huan, Alex and Kaiwee.. Haha.. It's odd not to have Alex in my class to "sour" him all the time though.. haha.. Hmm.. I need to pay my Economy teacher hundred over ringgit to but the Economy text books and workbooks.. I took Commerceand Maths S too.. My new class is air-conditioned de..
haha.. So lucky.. I got to choose the class I wanna go to and I manged to enter L6A3.. hehe.. Happy happy..

Today Saturday I managed to learn driving too.. Today my driving skills have improve lu.. hehe.. Met a new friend from Green Road, Ivy Liew.. hehe.. Yesterday went back to Kuching High to visit ISCF and teachers.. and later had lunch with Karen at Hills.. Hehe.. I was fun though.. We couldn't finish the food and da bao the ais kacang home.. haha.. and then afternoon we stayed back for Badminton till 3.30 p.m.

This weekend is basically rushing and completing my homework.. haha.. Hmm.. Tomorrow is a sunday.. So happy that I got the pass to go to church with Andrea tomorrow.. Yeah~ Praise the Lord.. hehe.. God has blessed me these few days.. And big thanks to my Aunt Grace that she helped me to transfer to art side by pestering the education department staffs.. hehe..

Is there a way out to reach my dreams?

Sigh.. Today went to the education department to find out my appeal result.. But it turned out that they haven't got a meeting about it.. And latest I'll only know it on Friday.. This thing keeps dragging.. Feel so frustrated already ler..

Then I talked to my mum what if I don't get to transfer.. I wish I can go to college to take Early Chldhood Education programme.. But mum was like not approve saying that our family can't afford to let me go college and so on.. And giving excuses that just shattered my heart.. I can always get a loan right? With my 8As I'm sure I'll have some loan approved for me.. I wish I can go Segi.. or Unitar.. Either one.. Sigh..

Before that, I wanna take up design.. But parents keep saying that it wasn't a good course and afraid that I'll end up jobless after graduating.. Now I change my mind to take up ECE.. And they're making up excuses not to let me pursue my course.. What do they want then?? It's my future.. Doesn't I have the right to make a choice for myself?? Or they really want me stucked in Science side izit? Don't they see my science subjects sucks so badly? So they're going to push me in again to let me "die" in science side huh?

You know what my mum said when I asked her what if my appeal isn't approved? She said: Continue to stay in Science side then.. *sigh sigh sigh* - badly disappointed..

Lately..

Was I having depression? Sigh.. Every little things make me cry.. For this week.. I practically cry myself to sleep every night.. Other than missing him, I just have lots of things to worry about.. I just couldn't get through.. Sigh..

Now is early in the morning.. I got up from my bad decided to do my project.. Then I wanna make sure whether I'm having depression or not.. So I surfed the internet to see and confirm with it.. And I found this:

Signs and symptoms of depression in teens

It's hard to put into words how depression feels, and people experience it differently. There are, however, some common problems and symptoms that teens with depression experience.

You constantly feel irritable, sad, or angry.
Nothing seems fun anymore, and you just don’t see the point of trying.
You feel bad about yourself—worthless, guilty, or just "wrong" in some way
You sleep too much or not enough.
You have frequent, unexplained headaches or other physical problems.
Anything and everything makes you cry.
You’ve gained or lost weight without consciously trying to.
You just can’t concentrate. Your grades may be plummeting because of it.
You feel helpless and hopeless .
You’re thinking about death or suicide. (If this is true, talk to someone right away!)

(http://helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm)
Lols.. Almost all of them fit me.. Except two statements... No. 5 and No.7

Sigh.. What should I do? Mum changed her mind lately and dun really allow me to follow Andrea to go to church as she sees that my schedule is getting busier and busier.. What should I do? I told him last night about maybe I'm having depression but he said just don't think too much.. How could I not? I felt like crying again now.. Though my eyes still feel pain after crying last night.. Sigh..

A Moody Day to Have + Saying Thank You to You..

I have serious Monday blue today.. Have one thousand unwillingness to go back to school today.. So since morning I wasn't smiling at all.. Hardly smile..

Then today I received a shocking news from my Form Teacher today.. My appeal to Art Side was rejected by the Education Department.. Was really sad.. When I heard it I was so "extreme" that I shout in clas.. Lols.. very embarassing.. But at that moment I couldn't hold it any longer.. I need to express them out.. My heart was crying but I was holding back my tears until i reached home.. Today Chemistry Quiz sucks... Only know how to do some.. My class has 4 new students.. Was given quite a lot of homework too.. Sigh.. But no heart to touch a bit.. Plan to save it for tonight..

Last night didn't really slept well.. Woke up at 1 a.m. sth and msg him.. Suddenly feel so stressed out about my own life now and feeling lost also.. We messaged each other till almost 2 and he rock me to sleep.. Every night I wish I could hug him for real to go to sleep... He is very nice to hug.. Sigh.. Feel safe and comfortable in his strong arms.. I'm thankful for my guy to be there to comfort me and let me see what I've been missing out.. He taught me how to make life choices and always been patient with me whenever I feel frustrated...

Hubby.. Here's a sincere THANK YOU to you.. And I know you don't have the interest to read my blog and almost never read my blog de.. Just wanna say how much joy you bring to me and thank you for every little thing you did to cheer me up whenever I sad.. and most importantly, HUBBY.. WO AI NI.. =)

Just an ordinary day~

Hmm.. today nothing much happened.. Do homework for the morning and acccompany my mummy to go bank and buy bak zhang..Now I'm recalling back about what did I do.. I suddenly thought of the a cute bag which cost RM9.90 that I was procrastinating whether should buy or not buy.. It's cute and has two side pockets.. I live it because it's easy to match with any outfits I wear.. And it's waterproof.. I'm so tempted to buy it you know!! >.< but of course.. End up I din buy.. haha..

Last night was keeping in touch with my friends.. I miss my dear Umy.. hehe.. My malay sister.. And we talked a lot about lifes and I also smsed till my hand very tired.. haha.. Later Karen will be coming over and will go swimming together later.. She said she wanna swim her worries away.. Which is a good thing.. hehe.. A very healthy way.. haha.. I wanna lose weight.. But he wanna gain weight.. haha.. Cute leh..

Hmm.. Later my lunch will be pisang goreng.. Mummy cooking now.. I'm lucky I still can online now because last night Mum forbids me and my brother to online.. haha.. I'm so blessed!! whee~ I miss Lord too..

Casual day..

Today went to sit for law test.. Pass with flying colours with 46/50.. hehe.. Big smile on my face when I kew the result.. Yeah!! Hmm.. But today a bit sad sad de.. His credit finished up and he only managed to send me a message when he woke up then called me using his house phone and told me his credit finished ler.. So till now we both didn't chat at all.. Sigh..

I wish to send him credit but he already told me last time that he'll get angry if I send him.. Actually he can use talktime advance de.. Dunno why he doesn't want.. I was wondering.. Did he miss me? or he likes the life without me to chat with.. Or enjoying the life without my disturbance.. Is he thinking that way? I find it hard to have complete trust towards our relationship after our breakup last month.. Sigh.. Though these few days he did changed a bit and become sweet and tender to me.. Like last night I was having a hard time dealing with my law, he was there to accompany me till I fall asleep.. Really thankful for every little moment he treat me well.. Maybe I was afraid of losing him again.. Afraid to face my own world without him at my side.. Having him to be with me gives me courage to continue to walk on, to know that there's somebody out there to encourage me and be there for me no matter what happens.. But.. I dunno is he thinking the same way too or not.. I used to be negative-minded.. It is he who changed me to always look at the bright side..

Sigh.. A casual day with nothing much.. Chat with Karen online and play some facebook games.. That's all.. Maybe will help mommy wash car later.. Will he go to buy credit to chat with me today? Will this Prince Charming continue to be my Prince Charming in few years time too? Sigh.. Why am I so down suddenly de?? Hmm..

I have a BIG smile with me~

Hehe.. I had the best night ever wth my friends last night!! First, we had dinner at Jalan Song western restaurant.. Friends and Family.. We cam-whore and took a lot of pictures and have fun!! Haha.. then we went to Spring K box and sang karaoke..It was very very fun and we are very crazy!! Haha.. Reading my blog and counting how many "haha" I typed reflects how happy and how much fun we had ler.. hehe..

I went to listen to driving liscense law already.. Will be sitting for the test tomorrow liao.. which is a Wednesday.. I'm so lucky enough to have my cousin at there too.. I didn't know she went to listen till on that day.. hehe.. Next week my driving practical might start ler.. So excited and yet so nervous.. hehe..

I wanna watch karate kid.. love the karate and kung fun by Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith.. hehe.. But most probably will go watch the 3D Toy Story 3 with him.. If got chance I wanna watch Karate Kid with my buddies.. hehe.. I miss him.. Love sick here.. Dunno when can we meet.. Sigh..

This holiday has been an interesting one cause my whole family just went to Permai last Saturday and it was superb fun!! I played kayak for the first time!! And swim for the whole morning at the sea having enough taste of the sea water.. haha.. Guess what?? I saw him there too.. He was at his car there when I come down from the car.. He was preparing to go home.. We're so paiseh to see each other as our family are around.. So we only manage to say hi.. The night before we talked to each other and just found out that we're going to permai at the same time.. Was so thrilled about it and had plan to spend a little time together if we managed to meet at the beach later.. But too bad it was different from what we plan.. =) *sigh sigh sigh*

Nevermind.. I believe there's one day we can meet again de.. sure will de.. hehe.. I miss him alot.. After having fun last night I also miss my friends liao.. Sob sob..

Boredom + Fun?

Itchy itchy.. The contact lens inside my eyes are tickling me.. Can't help to rub my eyes.. Which the optometrist said I shouldn't rub at all.. haha..

Today went for a road trip to permai and santubong.. Went to pasir panjang beach and travel till afternoon.. Then at night went to 7th mile eat dinner.. Eat kolok mee nia lar.. But very yummy.. hehe.. My brother wanna rebut computer with me liao.. Can say much.. T.T I'll just stop here then..

A day..

Today is Hari Gawai for the Ibans and Dayaks.. Our whole family went up to Sebuyao, ?Simunjan and Semangan.. The outskirt and the coastal area of Sarawak.. It was a fun day.. We reached home at around 6.. Had maggi mee as our dinner.. lols..

Hmm.. Nothing much today.. Maybe on thursday I'm going to have my cervical cancer injection.. And maybe this coming Saturday I'm going to listen to law.. Hopefully can go together with Karen. Hehe.. Hmm.. I haven manage to plan a date yet.. Can't wait to go out with him to watch movie.. I miss out the chances watching movie with my friends... You know what really upset me or not?? My friends and him already finished watching prince of persia ler.. And I haven't watched yet.. T.T I felt so damn left out de.. When he told me he watched it with his friends, I really cry till my whole pillow wet wet.. Nobody wants to accompany me to go watch ler.. All already watch ler.. :'(

Sigh.. This week wasn't really a happy week for me at all.. But at least my conflicts with parents already solved.. Sigh.. Why am I so small gas lately?? Suddenly had a thoought of being absent on 7th June dinner... Sigh.. Since I miss out so much of the activities ler.. might as well absent for the whole thing.. I really had a thought of rather being locked at home than going out with him or friends.. It's like people are talking about these stuff and then you're left out and cannot blend in.. That's a very very terrible feeling for me which is strong enough to make me cry after that.. I know I'm talking craps here.. Lols..

From this post.. I know I have a lot of bad personality.. That.. I admit..

Disappointment..

Sigh.. Yesterday was felling quite bad for not being able to join my friends at the Spring.. I miss out all the fun they had and the movies too.. I felt even hurt when I heard from Karen how fun it was when they're in Spring.. Sigh.. It's the kind of feeling that nobody understands.. The worst feeling is being left out.. But.. kinda happy that they're having fun.. =)

This morning wasn't really a happy morning.. Mum nagged about me that I always wanted to go out with friends and never wanted to stay at home.. Sigh.. That is so not true at all.. And then she said lots of hurtful things.. Like she won't harap me when she's old and confirmed that she'll be sent to the old folks home when she's old.. and saying that I"m a useless daughter and so on.. I hold on my tears while having breakfast at the coffee shop.. All I can think of and wish for is running away from home.. And I was deeply hurt too when mum said that my Dad talks a lot of negative stuff about me and complain about me after everytime he sent me to any place I wanna go out with friends..

I was thinking.. Maybe next time I won't rely them much to send me here and there ler.. Maybe I can take bus to Spring.. Also can right? Now in Kuching there are so many bus transport.. It won't be a big problem I guess.. And I really got very disappointed that my parents are like that.. What I feared most and hate most is they always use my religion to mock me.. I don't like it..

This morning at church.. the sermon was about what are we running from our life.. then it talks about Jonah and the big fish.. A lot of times in our life we choose to be disobedient.. But we must come to know that through the things that God put us in.. God has a purpose not only for us, but for the people around us.. God's way are not our ways.. And God's thought are not our thoughts.. Maybe I'm given the choices of being obedient or disobedient.. Somehow I heard God's voice today.. He said: You're mature enough to handle this situation and difficulties.. No running away from it.. I'm with you.. Be there among the midst of your parents who do not understand you.. Because you're given a special ministry in it.. =) I'm hoping God will provide me wisdom to deal with them.. And I always remember somebody said this: As a Christian, we should always have patience.. Forgive others just as God has forgiven our iniquities.. Especially those who do not know God and be kind to them.. =)

Holiday!!!

Holiday is here and my first holiday activity is spending time with my dear sister at her house having fun painting her nails.. hehe..

Tomorrow Saturday I'm going out having fun with my friends at Spring.. hehe.. HOPEFULLY I can see him tomorrow.. so long didn't see him ler.. Miss hims so much.. T.T ok.. enough for that.. hehe.. then 7th of June we'll be having dinner at Friends and Family.. hehe.. Welcoming back Felicia and Hoong Yeee.. He better make it and come.. haha.. I mean Hoong Yeee.. hmm.. what else... Gonna spend most of my holiday dealing with my homework and projects.. We're planning to make a solar fan.. hehe..

I'm a bit guai today as I did a bit of my homework.. hehe.. Today I work for a morning.. Gonna get my May salary soon.. hehe.. And if can.. Tomorrow I'm going to buy contact lens.. hehe.. I cannot stand pimples growing at the side of my eyes anymore ler!! T.T

Can't wait for tomorrow.. Sure gonna be fun de.. haha.. Hopefully lar.. So I got to go now.. Want to facebook a while.. hehe..

Live a Life

Today is a Pentecost Sunday.. Went to church this morning with Andrea.. Then had lunch at Upwell there.. Today I had stomach upset.. Feeling quite weak since yesterday till now.. Sob Sob.. You know what's so geram for me today??? T.T That is I woke up at 6 a.m. today and I can't manage to sleep long.. It's weekend bo!! Hmmph! Want sleep long long but my biological alarm already waked me up ler.. T.T So I end up going downstairs doing my homewrok.. Ok lar.. I man guai de yi xia.. haha..

Was rushing chemistry, Pengajian am, maths T, physics and Muet homework.. Basically is every subject.. Sigh.. So stressed out.. Everyday I complained to ah neng how tired am I.. And everyday I moan that I want enjoy during the holiday.. It's deadly suffocating to me.. You know what my aunt said to me last night at dinner?? She said: "Ni yi wei ni qu Form Six shi qu enjoy de ar? =.=" Sigh..

I'm so so so looking forward to the holiday~ I want go gai gai with friends!! And what else, Ah neng knew my top secret liao.. So~ *phew*.. haha.. Oh ya, he's kinda changing lately.. Not for bad, but good.. But a bit weird weird de.. Become more caring than last time... Hmm?? What's wrong with my guy huh??

I love Myself ~

Today is a Saturday and I had kelas gantian.. Finally weekend is here and I can take a deep breath a while.. It's been quite suffocating to study Form 6 actually.. Every subject has homewrok and even sometimes I can't cope with the syllabus.. Teacher tend to rush the syllabus bacause they need to finish teaching two years sylllabus in one and a half year time..

Me and him.. ok now.. no quarelling and we're back to old times.. Things aren't the same for sure.. But at least it's ok.. I'm glad about it.. =) I'm so looking forward to this coming holiday.. Hopefully can go out gai gai with him and friends and family.. =)

After that short breakup, I love myself more than last time.. Not only I want to enjoy my single life sometimes, I want to try to balance my time for God, friends and family too.. And sometime for myself too.. Pampering myself.. hehe..

Peace in heart..

Today I succeeded again by getting through the day.. Today is an happy day for me.. =). I took bus home today and it was really crowded in the bus till people have to stand up.. The bus started its journey late so I also reached home a bit later than usual.. Hmph..

Then today, I sat for the inventory test.. Funny thing is kaiwee, alex and yuhuan all wishing me to fail the test.. haha.. so she bu de me to leave them.. bleks.. haha.. But I know they're just plain kidding lar.. Today Chemistry I really don't understand a single thing.. I can't get what the teacher is trying to deliver us.. That must be really disappointing for the teacher if she knows that.. Haha..

Hmm.. Cute thing is, mum was behind me today when I walked home.. hehe.. Dunno why we both keep smiling at each other.. lols.. I haven't eat luch yet.. Cause my computer business haven't seetle yet.. Which means I need to blog frst and face-booking first then baru I puas hati.. hehe..

I felt peaceful today.. ^^ thank you, my dear Lord~

Another Day To Go..

Well, just came back from school not long ago and had my lunch already.. Was face-booking and resting.. Going to take a bath soon.. hehe.. Oh well.. Today was fine.. And today, I felt comforting and happy that each time I stepped into the office and gave in the changing stream letter and forms, I know the day tranferring to art side is not that long anymore.. =)

I still miss him.. And even accidentally "see" him in school this morning.. I was daydreaming actually.. All of them are hust illusion.. Sigh.. I'll get through it soon. I told myself a lot of times ler.. =)

I had quite a lot of tons of homework these few days though.. So my life was actually very contented these few days.. I'm getting better because I got a lot of good friends to help me through.. I'm glad and thankful..

Still, even when I'm alone, my mind will be searching for the memories again.. Never knew that I'll love a person until this stage.. Sigh.. Deep and hurt..

Smile :)

I made it well yesterday.. I put on a sincere smile to face the world.. But deep inside my heart, only God knows that it was still a mask on my face..

I smile, laugh, cherish with him yesterday, joke around with him like as if nothing happened.. We'll be good friends, or no, best best best friends.. WE both make it to be a pause, take a break for this relationsip and focus on studies.. What it hurts today was every little things around me reminds of him.. I made it through today in school.. But when I'm in the bus, I cried.. Back at home, cried again.. It's just too painful to me..

Sigh.. He said he miss the days being single.. Am I a burden to him all these while? Or he refused to hurt me so he chose to keep quiet? Will things changed after my final exam next year? I wish I could know the answer.. I wish I could dig them out..

I have a lot of questions.. But.. I don't want to make him or myself sad anymore.. Feel like asking... Still I don't have the courage to go on for now.. I'll get through soon, this.. I believe..

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and those who are crushed in the spirit.. :)

A New Day..

Miss him a lot today.. The moment I woke up today I cried non-stop.. Even when I attend church service I cried too.. I try to hold back those painful tears but they just stubbornly wet my eyes.. Drop by drop the fall from my eyes..

I keep praying to God to heal this broken heart.. I tried my best not to think about it.. Trying to minimise the pain I'm going through.. Maybe getting busy with works and studies will make me feel better.. It hurts a lot.. Heart bleeds..

These days mum nagged a lot too.. I'm really tired dealing all the things around.. Feel like escaping.. Sigh.. I hope time can heal my wound.. Now, whenever I pray or sing psalms or hymns I just cried.. Cry out desperatey to God.. And I have to put on a mask when facing the outside world.. It's torturing and suffering.. It's not easy.. It's hard.. Sigh..

Hurt..

Well, though I don't like to say it out, but I know it's always much more comforting to say it out.. =) I'm single today on 15th May 2010.. Since morning I've been crying till afternnon.. And after taking bath only then I felt better.. I took out my sim card from my phone, keep my phone in a bag.. put away our monkey baby and the music box in my cupboard, trying to distract myself not to think anything by getting myself busy with homeworks and studies.. I hope I get better soon... I deleted all the sweet messages the I received from him and keep one only.. I did everything I can to heal my broken heart.. It hurts.. I know starting from today there will not be any good night kiss or morning hugs.. or getting "I love You" from him anymore.. It's not easy.. And I have to face his buddies in my class, can I pretend everything's fine? Can I hide the sad truth from everyone? Can I just suffer alone? Can I?

I just know that I love him a lot..

Excitement...

Lol.. guess what??? I'm earning money to buy materials for my dream kindergarten and saving money to buy one building for my kindergarten!!! I know it's a bit too early.. but I'm on my way to make my dream come true!!! Can't wait to open my own kindergarten and teach little children about Jesus!! ^^

Smile, cause everything is going to be all right..

When I looked back, I really find that I have neglected my blog for quite some time ler oh.. And I also discovered that my blog is kinda boring too..

Life as usual.. ^^ Just plain working and so on.. Well, guess what? I just went for a pimple treatment at Hock Lee few days ago and it nearly destroyed my face after the treatment.. But I'm happy that this treatment gives me back a healthy skin for my precious face.. haha.. There's a price to pay for it because I spent RM60 for that treatment.. haha..

Hmm.. Almost towards the day I have to resign from my job in bookroom and continue to head towards Form 6 school life.. I haven't buy my school bag yet.. and my white blouse too.. Haix.. What else? Erm.. My pens also.. Gosh.. I guess I'm going broke soon.. haha..

Monday I'm going back to school to look for the Form 6 name list to see whether I'm in or not.. Hopefully I'm in so that I don't have to write the stupid surat rayuan..

I'm looking forward to school reopen.. I'll be going to Art Side... *whee~* hehe.. And enjoy the different life from others.. ^^

missing pieces in life..

Lately.. I really throw my dearest lovely blog behind my head ler.. Now that recently I remembered, I just wanna stop by to update.. whether there is anyone reading my blog or not.. I suppose no.. haha..

Today is Wednesday.. I took a leave today from my work.. Watched Amazing Grace.. Indeed a good movie.. hehe.. Yesterday watched Ten Commandments at my workplace.. Thumbs up for that movie also... hehe.. So basically today I'm enjoying myself, do a bit housework and so on.. and so on..

Tomorrow have to work ler.. Again there comes the day I have to wake up early again.. T.T Form Six starting soon.. and my 18th birthday coming soon too.. hehe.. actually I'm looking forward for a surprise..
dunno this year got or not.. sob sob.. hehe...

I guess that's all I can tell gua.. hehe.. I hope I'll update more often.. If not my poor bloggy will miss her owner a lot... I guess.. haha..

On the journey..

Recently.. I cried a lot.. I faced lots of hardships in my relationship.. I felt sad and hurt.. I wasn't a strong fighter and a lot of times I felt really tired till I feel like giving up.. But I just can't afford to face the pain losing someone who is so close to my heart and whom I adore a lot.. Someone I truly love..

Love is a journey for two person who loves each other.. Sometimes when both had conflicts, we often wonder whether we still love him or her or not.. Like me, we keep having conflicts over little little things and end up making both side unhappy.. Sometimes we might choose to bear with it and to be patient.. But as time pass by, it'd often over the limit.. Till sometimes you'd think you can bear no more..

I'm on the journey..

Today was a Fairytale~

Today was a fairytale
You were the prince
I used to be a damsel in distress
You took me by the hand and you picked me up at six
Today was a fairytale

Today was a fairytale

Today was a fairytale
I wore a dress
You wore a dark grey t-shirt
You told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess
Today was a fairytale

Time slows down when ever you're around

But can you feel this magic in the air?
It must have been the way you kissed me
Fell in love when I saw you standing there
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale

Today was a fairytale
You've got a smile that takes me to another planet
Every move you make everything you say is right
Today was a fairytale

Today was a fairytale
All that I can say is now it's getting so much clearer
Nothing made sense until the time I saw your face
Today was a fairytale

Time slows down whenever you're around, yeah

But can you feel this magic in the air?
It must have been the way you kissed me
Fell in love when I saw you standing there
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale


Time slows down whenever you're around
I can feel my heart
It's beating in my chest
Did you feel it?
I can't put this down

But can you feel this magic in the air?
It must have been the way you kissed me
Fell in love when I saw you standing there
It must have been the way

But can you feel this magic in the air?
It must have been the way you kissed me
Fell in love when I saw you standing there
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale

Oh, oh, yeah, oh

Today was a fairytale

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Latest updates in life..

Well.. Came back from National Service on the 10th March.. Receive my SPM results on 11th March.. Got 8As, 2Bs, 1C and 1D.. Lols.. 12th March I went to Eon Bank and open an account.. 13th March is the first day I sterted to work in Trinity Bookroom.. 14th March is Sunday, a special person's birthday.. Hehe.. Went to celebrate at K Box in Spring.. Then recently nothing much happened lar.. Till today.. just really plain life.. But a very happy and contented life.. ^o^ Facebook-ing a lot recently.. Plan to go to Form 6 Art side.. Some good news here.. Mum allowed me to get BAPTISED!! hehe.. And she encouraged my brother to go to church too.. I hope someday they'd become Christians too and accept Jesus Christ as their Savior and their Sovereign Lord.. ^o^ same with my hubby too.. =)Lord.. Let me remember to pray for my beloved ones oh.. Hehe.. My new goal now: Be happy everyday and pray everday!! To live is to be an example of Christ.. =) It's so good to be back in God's arms.. ^^

Back for Chap Goh Meh..

Whee.. home sweet home for 3 days 2 nights.. Everytime I come back home I sure gain weight de.. Recently the doctor just "diagnosed" me that I'm overweight.. Dead.. Whatever.. Anyway, I bought myself a pendrive and finish shopping for the present.. Hopefully that person will like it.. hehe..

Hmm.. nothing much to say but just wanna summarise what happened these few days in National service.. WE played the Colt M 16 last tuesday, super-duper fun.. And I got a tattoo on my right hand because of the recoil of the gun.. haha.. and I wanted to donate blood that day but the doctor said that I have low blood pressure so I was disqualified.. Thursday marching the whole afternoon and end up getting sunburn.. Sigh.. So dark now..

After plkn?? I got plans up in my mind now.. My aunt has helped me found a job, working as a cashier in bookroom.. hehe.. Combine my salary with my plkn pocket money, I think I'll be able to pay for my driving lessons' fee, buy myself contact lens which I really wanted a long time ago and a good wallet for myself.. Hopefully my money is sufficient.. hehe..

My New Year Celebration and Valentine's Day..

Ok.. Start from the easiest first.. Nothing much happened for Velentine's Day except talking on the phone at night.. Lols~.. Till around 1 a.m. ^^ haha.. but that is definitely a sweet talk.. hehe..

My first day of Chinese New Year has nothing much too.. except like every year, I went to my Grandma's house to have breakfast, get lots of angpau, and bla bla bla till noon, eat at mum's colleague house, then balik tidur.. Eh, first thing first, sorry for the campur-campur language here.. Cause eh, seriously, I'm infected by the culture in National Cervice to talk rojak language with Umy.. hehe..

Then at night went to Aunty Lily's house to have dinner , then went to my 2nd aunt's house to visit her.. me and Ah Jing had lots to chat about our erhem erhem.. hehe..

2nd day as usual.. Went to 4 houses only, afternoon my cousins came to visit.. Haix.. my soar throat still in quite-bad condition.. I want it cepat-cepat pulih lar.. T.T at night, Sharon might come over to my house then went to somebody's house.. (erhem erhem..)

Tomorrow have to return to camp ler.. (Sigh.. can I don't go back??)I want home I want home.. Blueks.. tomorrow he is coming in the morning.. then afternoon have to go down to my grandma's house cause got open house.. then have to change into my uniform and go back ler.. T.T

Life in back in Kuching and my feelings and thoughts

I'm so hyper-excited when I saw my parents yesterday when they came to fetch me home.. I was pulling two luggage home and after everything is done, off we're home.. headed towards Kuching's journey.. hehe..

Something changes in Kuching.. I felt so good to be home.. Miss everything in Kuching.. But unfortunately I lost my voice and really painful when talking.. Miss home so much..

This morning woke up at 6:30 a.m. Kinda used to the life over there to wake up early.. haha.. Help to settle everything down, changing the sofa sets, washing toilets in the afternoon and going to bake cheese cake tomorrow.. If can.. Going to buy ingredants later.. Sigh.. too bad I can't go back to school to visit teachers and my juniors.. sad sad..

Hopefully tonight can go to Spring to gai gai with him.. Hopefully.. Time is so short cause I only have 5 days off in Kuching and I got lots of major plans ahead.. ok, I hope I don't get sick.. Chinese New Year Round the corner you know.. Cannnot get sick..

Hmm.. Talking about life in camp.. Definitely fun and challenging.. It's a place where I truly grow up and learn lots of things about life and myself.. Oh ya.. I finish "P.S. I Love You" liao.. hehe.. proud of myself.. I got lots of new freinds, of course.. Like my best buddy in my dorm and class, Umy Atika..She's a Malay and we oftern had lots of things to share and talk about.. I got lots of nice nice de Malay friends.. They treat me very very good all the time.. hehe.. and really happy to be with them.. Of course there are conflicts arousing sometimes but I'm trying to dump them at the back of my head.. Forgive and forgot.. =) hehe..

The coaches are nice too.. But they aren't that nice when we have to kawad kaki under the rain yesterday before going home.. Hmm.. haha.. I'm gonna appreciate every moment I have in these 5 days.. hehe.. I love myself.. ^^