Sighing..

What happened recently is enough to drive me crazy and I'm glad everything is over and putting a fullstop after everything..

Sighing.. Well.. Lots of come and go..But throguh it all, God has really pull me through.. I gave quite a long speech today in ISCF.. and Ms. Law reminded me that I shouldn't focus on my weaknesses anf failures but to look up to God's great love.. ^^ It's true.. When I looked up in the sky.. God's love is across the horizone.. It reminds me that God loves us very much even though that often, we forget about God's unfailing love..

Even though deep inside there's a scar there lying behind the soul, I guess that's one of God's love tattoo on me.. Sometimes it hurts a lot.. but when tears flowing down, u know that God is holding you up no matter what.. Sometimes we need a quiet time for God to think through everything.. Really.. we need it.. Often, we forget to thank God for what we have.. but to blame God for what we fail in and other stuff..

Lord, have I hurt you recently? Speak to me k? ^^

Over..

So these few days my feelings went like a roller-coaster.. haha.. Anyway, let's talk about the prefect dinner on last Saturday.. Oh ya, Last Saturday was really fun!! Morning we had jogathon in school then after we went SHOPPING!!! Whee... to Boulevard.. we went there in a group with two drivers in each car.. so it's like 5 in each car.. haha.. Their driving skill is really stable.. ^^ I bought my first Mascara!!! hahaha..

Dinner was fun.. I went for the salon to style my hair and.. ok lah.. curly. but I prefer the my next-day-hair.. Not that curly but it was wavy.. ^^haha.. So, I really WANT my hair to be longer so that I can perm.. after spm..

Dinner was fun as in the food was ok, not bad, and I'm glad that the Form 4 AJKs are doing great among themselves and hopefully this will continue till next year till the end of their prefect life in Kuching High.. I'm glad that this year Eleen is a good leader and so far we never ever quarel.. ^^ so I hope Yi Ling can do her best to help out the Prefectorial Board.. The game was.. ok.. and the programme was.. ok.. The singing was.. good... some of the songs are nice.. ^^ and overall, I like the gift.. I got a pet to rare now and it was at my bedside.. haha.. Hey, the fish I got really active de lor.. haha..

First day in school as a retired AJK was odd for me.. But somehow I like it.. I felt lighter.. ^^ Umm.. today the road is quite congested with the Sultans coming over to Kuching to atend the Rulers Conference.. Alot are complaining.. and.. haha.. nothing much ler..

There are a list of stuffs to do after SPM.. haha.. I wish I manage to do it.. ^^

I wanna know..

I want to give myself a chance.. to do things I want.. to breakthrough..TO accomplish and reach for my dreams!!

I submitted my art project, Daphne's and Zheng Sen's are so much way better than mine.. When my classmates saw mine, they said it looked like living room.. not TV ROOM.. Fine.. what done is done.. there's no turning back for me..

Got the art competition form.. from Dasein Academy of Art.. So, was planning to join actually.. See first.. Today meeting.. prefectorial board again.. Talking about dinner.. I'm not-so excited anymore.. dunno why.. maybe now I have a lot of things to worry about?

Saturday went for movie.. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.. I would say it's a very nice movie.. With Ron and Hermoine's love started to bloom.. haha.. they are really cute..

I got consolation prize for my Chinese Essay Writing.. Yeah.. I hurt my thumb.. T.T so.. that's my life.. Haha.. SPM coming soon.. Kinda nervous ler.. Lord.. ^^ I rely on you..

Where?

Hey, just got the application form from my school counselling teacher to apply to go to... Taiwan!! To study la!! My parents allow, especially my mum.. so they say: Apply first, then only see what happen.. Ok!! I'm gonna submit in tomorrow.. (YEAH!!)

Mum and aunt scolded me for not applying the matriculation thingy.. Lol.. ok ok, I'll apply.. Besides, I want to apply for the Teacher Training College too.. Dunno where I might go right? So, I'll apply as many as possible.. Just in case..

Tomorrow have to submit in my art project model ler.. sob sob.. I'll post it soon.. Anyway, my folio is still incomplete.. Nevermind, I'll get it done.. My uncle came back from Singapore, so went out to eat dinner, and today lunch also eat at the same place.. Lol.. Last night was the first time I drank several glasses of wine.. haha.. then at night cannot sleep cause too hot.. haha..

Study for Bab 4 sejarah.. cause tomorrow got short test.. I'm busy recently.. but feel very contented.. anyway, mum didn't say anything when I told her I want to go for hairdo.. yeah!!

I'm very happy recently.. Lord, how long will this happiness going to stay with me?

Thoughts..

A lot of things happened.. the Form 4s are having conflicts and we the form 5 are like : Haiz... Dunno how to help..

Anyway, I found out that I think a lot when I walked alone home back from school.. Hope I don't fall down again.. Lol.. Think about what had happened, what's about my life, how's school, how's everyone.. lol.. or sometimes I would walked home with my classmates..

Prefect dinner on the 25th July.. Gonna wear pretty pretty.. keke.. last year liao, don't care.. going for hair make-over too.. haven ask about the price... wakaka.. Nevermind, kinda excited.. wheeee!!!

Life is finally back on track.. everything is back to normal ler.. I'm so happy!!! But, I don't know how long this happiness can stay with me.. I know I wouldn't have it for a long time.. Nevermind, just enjoy it.. Love God!! keke..

Verse for today..

"So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I'll uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:40

Glad that I found such a great God.. God reigns!!

Once again, I need not fear where I am going when God is going with me..

My Dream

Last night, my art teacher revealed to me the wonders of a person's dream.. I asked her a lot of questions.. and also the same time, I kept on questioning myself whether I am ready or not for everything that is on its way coming. Dreams.. some people need them so that they can continue to breathe through their life.. It's the only thing they can cling on to survive.. the sole reason for them to find the meaning of life..

My fashion design dream.. my parents weren't that approve all this while.. So I'm like, am I really ready to fly? Really ready to prepare myself before it, to spread my wings to pursue it no matter what are the consequences? Can I go through it till the end?? Would God support my dream? Lotsa questions that need to find the answers alone..

Suddenly, all I feel is the emptiness inside with curiosity about future.. RM60,000 to study my Bachelor degree in Fashion Design.. is that expensive? I'm aiming for Raffles College in KL, and would it be safe to live alone outside? I'm independent so I'm not that afraid.. and I'm quite looking forward to go to Taiwan too.. Hearing how my teacher's son has study well in Taiwan has given me the confidence that my dream is not that far away anymore..

"If you have the dream and an aim for life, don't be afraid, just go for it with courage. Even if you face problems when pursuing your dreams, solve each one at a time and you'll manage to succeed.. Don't give up your dream.." - that was what my teacher told me last night in tuition..

I need not fear where I am going when God is going with me.. I shouldn't give up because that's my dream..

=)

Oh gosh, almost started crying.. wish that I can go to National service sooner so that I got the chance to go to church every Sunday and fellowship with God!!!! Lord, I'm coming!!!

I thought it was..

Oh.. it used to be.. something happened lately, and God has touched my heart deeply.. Today ISCF finished earlier and so Ms. Law shared about salvation.. She managed to lead three girls to accept Christ which is.. Hallelujah!!!! Haha.. thank you so much Lord!!!

Anyway, after the meeting, I cried.. I told Ms. Law to keep on reminding me that God is good all the time.. So that I'd remember him.. He puts in lots of things in my life.. It seems hard.. but I remembered that I need not fear where I am going when God is going with me.. I need not worry cause I know I have this treasure.. which is God.. I told Ms. Law that I left out God a lot and I know He must have been very sad because I know in every part of my life, He wants to help me in everything.. But I seldom give him chances.. I always do things on my own.. I hardly ask help.. I'm used to the life where I go on my own.. I just dunno how to re-rely on God.. All I know is that is the first time me and teacher cried.. Yeah, God is faithful and good.. the ultimate BESTEST friend and God..

Something major happened too.. something that can strike part of my life.. I told myself that I would not let God down and myself down..I would never do things that would make myself regret.. Even if so, I told God I'd be strong cause in every part of my life, God never stop teaching and I want to learn God's way.. I want to change.. so many times I hurt myself and I keep lying that I'm ok.. reminds me on How our mighty Saviour nailed on the cross and was sleashed by the Roman soldiers even Jesus is not guilty.. He was carrying the whole worlds pain.. So I want to keep that in mind that whatever I'm facing is just a small deal compared to what Jesus has gone through to save us.. It would be a remarkable scar and that scar will always remind me that God cares for me and He struggles to hold me back and not lead me to danger and not allow me to get hurt.. I know God cares a lot for me.. more than i thought..

So.. whatever I am going through, even though it's painful or hard and at times I'd be giving up.. or having the urge to do something stupid.. I will always hold God with me and want to remember that God is always always always always there for me.. and I need not fear at all.. =D

Abolished it? NOOOOO.........

Ok, so the major news for students today are -- Maths and Science are going to be changed back to Bahasa Malaysia!!! I strongly objected!!!

Let's see, I considered myself lucky enough to be English-educated in my science subjects all these years.. but.. think about it, would it be really good and is it a wise decision to make that change?? Have they really truly consider enough?? Have they care about the teacher's feelings?? Or have they ask school teacher's opinion??? Cause clearly, it's not the government who teaches, it's the school teachers!!! Haiz..

I know what the government is trying to do is for our own good.. You know, Malaysia's English is not that good as the others, unlike Japan or Thailand.. Maybe we should learn form the Singapore? Lol.. there's something I would like to voice out.. think about it, if we were to learn Maths and Science in BM, then what if we were to pursue our studies in overseas? or when we go to Form Six? It would be hard for us.. and I guess the teachers will have a hard time dealing with the student's weakness.. Besides, how many institution uses BM medium to teach maths and science?? Now, Malaysia ask for compulsory pass in English, then why not we use more English in teaching?? "Melentur buluh biarlah dari rebungnya" mar..

Ok.. I hope and pray for miracle to happen someday that things will get back to normal.. pity my brother who is now in Form 1.. Hopefully he wun have to go through the torture.. If I were to help him someday in his studies, I would be having headache too.. Lol.. Change back to English please.. Why make everyone's life difficult?? weird..

Funny..

I remembered I lost my pencil case and the first thing I'm worried most is my house key and my pendrive.. Now guess what happen today??

My family were locked inside our own house.. They lock jammed!! So, mum and I went out using back gate and we have to turn a big round to reach our car porch.. End up, we changed the house keys.. Yeah!! Praise God!! (oopsy..) Anyway, someone will give me a free pendrive soon.. so, I don't have to worrry about anything ler.. but still, I like my old pencil case better..

I almost finish my art project.. Yeah!! and starting this week, I'm going to k-study!! yahooo!! Anyway, I learnt a lot from these things.. Things change a lot, sometimes it depends on us whether we see it can be a good thing or a bad thing.. Even though I learnt to appreciate more, there are still feelings for the past that part of me wasn't ready to let go yet.. ^^

I dunno how to title this..

Another day comes by.. dark.. with no sunlight.. everything seems so different.. everything changes.. you get hurt, cried.. till once again.. you feel like nothing left to give away.. not even your own tears.. a loser? I'm not sure.. sometimes things happen so suddenly that it ache so much.. Could I bear it any longer.. how long... I had no idea..

I was visualising something.. woke up in a room.. by a countryside.. it's late evening.. sunset is here.. pulling the surtain and saw some cows.. it's almost night.. feels like as if I have escaped to this little town after something major happened.. Sad inside.. Can't use words to describe.. lonely.. no one there.. miserable faces.. On your own surviving in a foreign land.. Everything is so different..

You wanna hold.. but there's nothing for you to hold..You wanna grab something tight.. but you lose it even faster.. At times I'd prefer to be invisible.. like when my friend called me to talk: I felt so hurt... very very very hurt.. Can you describe the hurt feeling using words?

It's the best I've got..

A lot of things happened this few days.. I'm tired and I cried till there's no more tears left.. I wish someone was here with me to cheer me up and give me a hug.. I really needed that, I guess..

The best I've got for myself.. is to be the one I should be.. I was deeply hurt and I dunno how to go on.. Suddenly I felt lost.. and God seems so far away.. All of a sudden.. I was all alone.. Maybe I'm used to it, I tend to be stronger each and every time.. Just like you've consume all the energy left inside your body, I got nothing left to heal this.. not for this time..

I guess I believe in the wrong person.. I shouldn't be that naive all this while.. Things are kept well for 6 months and it's time to just let it fly.. I wish I can do something mean to you but that wasn't right.. I consider every single thing before I do.. and it's so tired.. I don't want history to repeat again.. No more fights.. just cool down.. and we're done..

It's the best I've got.. we should move on to our own life.. I go to my service, you go for your study.. And we should never see each other again.. You have hurt me enough..