Is there a way out to reach my dreams?

Sigh.. Today went to the education department to find out my appeal result.. But it turned out that they haven't got a meeting about it.. And latest I'll only know it on Friday.. This thing keeps dragging.. Feel so frustrated already ler..

Then I talked to my mum what if I don't get to transfer.. I wish I can go to college to take Early Chldhood Education programme.. But mum was like not approve saying that our family can't afford to let me go college and so on.. And giving excuses that just shattered my heart.. I can always get a loan right? With my 8As I'm sure I'll have some loan approved for me.. I wish I can go Segi.. or Unitar.. Either one.. Sigh..

Before that, I wanna take up design.. But parents keep saying that it wasn't a good course and afraid that I'll end up jobless after graduating.. Now I change my mind to take up ECE.. And they're making up excuses not to let me pursue my course.. What do they want then?? It's my future.. Doesn't I have the right to make a choice for myself?? Or they really want me stucked in Science side izit? Don't they see my science subjects sucks so badly? So they're going to push me in again to let me "die" in science side huh?

You know what my mum said when I asked her what if my appeal isn't approved? She said: Continue to stay in Science side then.. *sigh sigh sigh* - badly disappointed..

Lately..

Was I having depression? Sigh.. Every little things make me cry.. For this week.. I practically cry myself to sleep every night.. Other than missing him, I just have lots of things to worry about.. I just couldn't get through.. Sigh..

Now is early in the morning.. I got up from my bad decided to do my project.. Then I wanna make sure whether I'm having depression or not.. So I surfed the internet to see and confirm with it.. And I found this:

Signs and symptoms of depression in teens

It's hard to put into words how depression feels, and people experience it differently. There are, however, some common problems and symptoms that teens with depression experience.

You constantly feel irritable, sad, or angry.
Nothing seems fun anymore, and you just don’t see the point of trying.
You feel bad about yourself—worthless, guilty, or just "wrong" in some way
You sleep too much or not enough.
You have frequent, unexplained headaches or other physical problems.
Anything and everything makes you cry.
You’ve gained or lost weight without consciously trying to.
You just can’t concentrate. Your grades may be plummeting because of it.
You feel helpless and hopeless .
You’re thinking about death or suicide. (If this is true, talk to someone right away!)

(http://helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm)
Lols.. Almost all of them fit me.. Except two statements... No. 5 and No.7

Sigh.. What should I do? Mum changed her mind lately and dun really allow me to follow Andrea to go to church as she sees that my schedule is getting busier and busier.. What should I do? I told him last night about maybe I'm having depression but he said just don't think too much.. How could I not? I felt like crying again now.. Though my eyes still feel pain after crying last night.. Sigh..

A Moody Day to Have + Saying Thank You to You..

I have serious Monday blue today.. Have one thousand unwillingness to go back to school today.. So since morning I wasn't smiling at all.. Hardly smile..

Then today I received a shocking news from my Form Teacher today.. My appeal to Art Side was rejected by the Education Department.. Was really sad.. When I heard it I was so "extreme" that I shout in clas.. Lols.. very embarassing.. But at that moment I couldn't hold it any longer.. I need to express them out.. My heart was crying but I was holding back my tears until i reached home.. Today Chemistry Quiz sucks... Only know how to do some.. My class has 4 new students.. Was given quite a lot of homework too.. Sigh.. But no heart to touch a bit.. Plan to save it for tonight..

Last night didn't really slept well.. Woke up at 1 a.m. sth and msg him.. Suddenly feel so stressed out about my own life now and feeling lost also.. We messaged each other till almost 2 and he rock me to sleep.. Every night I wish I could hug him for real to go to sleep... He is very nice to hug.. Sigh.. Feel safe and comfortable in his strong arms.. I'm thankful for my guy to be there to comfort me and let me see what I've been missing out.. He taught me how to make life choices and always been patient with me whenever I feel frustrated...

Hubby.. Here's a sincere THANK YOU to you.. And I know you don't have the interest to read my blog and almost never read my blog de.. Just wanna say how much joy you bring to me and thank you for every little thing you did to cheer me up whenever I sad.. and most importantly, HUBBY.. WO AI NI.. =)

Just an ordinary day~

Hmm.. today nothing much happened.. Do homework for the morning and acccompany my mummy to go bank and buy bak zhang..Now I'm recalling back about what did I do.. I suddenly thought of the a cute bag which cost RM9.90 that I was procrastinating whether should buy or not buy.. It's cute and has two side pockets.. I live it because it's easy to match with any outfits I wear.. And it's waterproof.. I'm so tempted to buy it you know!! >.< but of course.. End up I din buy.. haha..

Last night was keeping in touch with my friends.. I miss my dear Umy.. hehe.. My malay sister.. And we talked a lot about lifes and I also smsed till my hand very tired.. haha.. Later Karen will be coming over and will go swimming together later.. She said she wanna swim her worries away.. Which is a good thing.. hehe.. A very healthy way.. haha.. I wanna lose weight.. But he wanna gain weight.. haha.. Cute leh..

Hmm.. Later my lunch will be pisang goreng.. Mummy cooking now.. I'm lucky I still can online now because last night Mum forbids me and my brother to online.. haha.. I'm so blessed!! whee~ I miss Lord too..

Casual day..

Today went to sit for law test.. Pass with flying colours with 46/50.. hehe.. Big smile on my face when I kew the result.. Yeah!! Hmm.. But today a bit sad sad de.. His credit finished up and he only managed to send me a message when he woke up then called me using his house phone and told me his credit finished ler.. So till now we both didn't chat at all.. Sigh..

I wish to send him credit but he already told me last time that he'll get angry if I send him.. Actually he can use talktime advance de.. Dunno why he doesn't want.. I was wondering.. Did he miss me? or he likes the life without me to chat with.. Or enjoying the life without my disturbance.. Is he thinking that way? I find it hard to have complete trust towards our relationship after our breakup last month.. Sigh.. Though these few days he did changed a bit and become sweet and tender to me.. Like last night I was having a hard time dealing with my law, he was there to accompany me till I fall asleep.. Really thankful for every little moment he treat me well.. Maybe I was afraid of losing him again.. Afraid to face my own world without him at my side.. Having him to be with me gives me courage to continue to walk on, to know that there's somebody out there to encourage me and be there for me no matter what happens.. But.. I dunno is he thinking the same way too or not.. I used to be negative-minded.. It is he who changed me to always look at the bright side..

Sigh.. A casual day with nothing much.. Chat with Karen online and play some facebook games.. That's all.. Maybe will help mommy wash car later.. Will he go to buy credit to chat with me today? Will this Prince Charming continue to be my Prince Charming in few years time too? Sigh.. Why am I so down suddenly de?? Hmm..

I have a BIG smile with me~

Hehe.. I had the best night ever wth my friends last night!! First, we had dinner at Jalan Song western restaurant.. Friends and Family.. We cam-whore and took a lot of pictures and have fun!! Haha.. then we went to Spring K box and sang karaoke..It was very very fun and we are very crazy!! Haha.. Reading my blog and counting how many "haha" I typed reflects how happy and how much fun we had ler.. hehe..

I went to listen to driving liscense law already.. Will be sitting for the test tomorrow liao.. which is a Wednesday.. I'm so lucky enough to have my cousin at there too.. I didn't know she went to listen till on that day.. hehe.. Next week my driving practical might start ler.. So excited and yet so nervous.. hehe..

I wanna watch karate kid.. love the karate and kung fun by Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith.. hehe.. But most probably will go watch the 3D Toy Story 3 with him.. If got chance I wanna watch Karate Kid with my buddies.. hehe.. I miss him.. Love sick here.. Dunno when can we meet.. Sigh..

This holiday has been an interesting one cause my whole family just went to Permai last Saturday and it was superb fun!! I played kayak for the first time!! And swim for the whole morning at the sea having enough taste of the sea water.. haha.. Guess what?? I saw him there too.. He was at his car there when I come down from the car.. He was preparing to go home.. We're so paiseh to see each other as our family are around.. So we only manage to say hi.. The night before we talked to each other and just found out that we're going to permai at the same time.. Was so thrilled about it and had plan to spend a little time together if we managed to meet at the beach later.. But too bad it was different from what we plan.. =) *sigh sigh sigh*

Nevermind.. I believe there's one day we can meet again de.. sure will de.. hehe.. I miss him alot.. After having fun last night I also miss my friends liao.. Sob sob..

Boredom + Fun?

Itchy itchy.. The contact lens inside my eyes are tickling me.. Can't help to rub my eyes.. Which the optometrist said I shouldn't rub at all.. haha..

Today went for a road trip to permai and santubong.. Went to pasir panjang beach and travel till afternoon.. Then at night went to 7th mile eat dinner.. Eat kolok mee nia lar.. But very yummy.. hehe.. My brother wanna rebut computer with me liao.. Can say much.. T.T I'll just stop here then..

A day..

Today is Hari Gawai for the Ibans and Dayaks.. Our whole family went up to Sebuyao, ?Simunjan and Semangan.. The outskirt and the coastal area of Sarawak.. It was a fun day.. We reached home at around 6.. Had maggi mee as our dinner.. lols..

Hmm.. Nothing much today.. Maybe on thursday I'm going to have my cervical cancer injection.. And maybe this coming Saturday I'm going to listen to law.. Hopefully can go together with Karen. Hehe.. Hmm.. I haven manage to plan a date yet.. Can't wait to go out with him to watch movie.. I miss out the chances watching movie with my friends... You know what really upset me or not?? My friends and him already finished watching prince of persia ler.. And I haven't watched yet.. T.T I felt so damn left out de.. When he told me he watched it with his friends, I really cry till my whole pillow wet wet.. Nobody wants to accompany me to go watch ler.. All already watch ler.. :'(

Sigh.. This week wasn't really a happy week for me at all.. But at least my conflicts with parents already solved.. Sigh.. Why am I so small gas lately?? Suddenly had a thoought of being absent on 7th June dinner... Sigh.. Since I miss out so much of the activities ler.. might as well absent for the whole thing.. I really had a thought of rather being locked at home than going out with him or friends.. It's like people are talking about these stuff and then you're left out and cannot blend in.. That's a very very terrible feeling for me which is strong enough to make me cry after that.. I know I'm talking craps here.. Lols..

From this post.. I know I have a lot of bad personality.. That.. I admit..